when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
