you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
