Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
