Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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