my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
