I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i drank out of a bidet.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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