i need an iv and a liver transplant
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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