I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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