I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
