Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
