So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I've blown a few things in my day
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
