Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
