Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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