She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
