His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
