Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
