Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
