oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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