I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
