Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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