if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
