my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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