dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
