I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
