I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize