the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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