Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize