guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
