I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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