I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize