The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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