why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
