The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
