really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
