90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
