its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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