thus making me awesome and them whores
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
