Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
40s are totally the cure
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
