I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
