Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Randomize
