: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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