Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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