I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
