Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
