my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
