Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
