He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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