Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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