I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
