my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
