Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
