3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
be right there i have to get my cape
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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