Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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