I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
