So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
