If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
