I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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