why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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