You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize