I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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