Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
