Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
being pregnant is like rehab
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
soo... how was my night?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
