the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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