I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
