According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
