Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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