The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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