final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
