When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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