tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
