She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Every concussion has its silver lining
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
