"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
